ok now...where do i begin? How about "at the begining"....Well i am a middle child in a family of 7 children so that will explain alot as you'll see. Im going to just pretend that this is my personal private diary and confide in it as one too. I was born in Hawaii and raised in Guam for the first part of my life. My mother worked most of the time in Bars so we hardly saw her. When we did she was either drunk or fighting with my step father.We basically ran our own program due to lack of parental supervision. my older brother and sister did what they wanted and they too hardly ever came home and when they did it was chaos most times.Myself and the younger ones would get beat or bossed around by them. I was 11 or 12 at the time and caring for the 4 children below me. So needless to say....i got most of the raw ends of situations if any occured. One day some ladies came to visit us and there was no adults in the home at the time so they told us they were going to take us out for ice cream. The next thing we knew was...my 3 younger siblings were picked up by my step grandparents and taken home with them. as for my younger sis and I....We were taken and placed in a foster home. Shortly afterwards they had caught up with my older sister and she was later placed in the same home as us. That didnt last too long for my older sis was rebel and used to beat me
constantly if i didnt satisfy her every beckon call. Social workers removed me & my younger sister and placed us in another foster home together. meanwhile during the shifting from homes we all met with a therapist for families every week and my mother would be there too. She never came to visit us at any of the homes we were at just at therapy.The therapy eventually faded and we stayed at a foster home for a year or so having not seen our mom for awhile. One day my sis and i were sittin in the yard of the home and saw our mother pass by sitting in the back seat of a car. I remember getting so excited we were running and screaming in the yard thinking she was coming to get us but she passed on by and just looked at us. No wave ,no nothing!that went on for awhile and we got to a point where we knew exactly around what time she would be riding by and always made it a point to be in the yard at the time. I dont know what my younger sis was thinking but i knew i was thinking that "i must've been bad or did something so wrong that my own mother didnt want to acknowledge me much less even love me. So time went on and the caretakers of the foster home and their immediate family started to abuse us. We would get whooped with a long board while their children sat and watched and would often tease us. They treated us like slaves and children that would never be wanted.. Their kids would always get new toys and tease us with it, they always had beautiful things and clothes ...they were spoiled rotten and down right evil! they would be eating good food freshly made sitting at a dining table while sis and I would be outside alone eating leftovers or food we didnt like yet had to force ourselves to eat it. We shared a bedroom my sis and I that had 1 bed in it nicely made with beautiful beddings it looked like a guest room out of a magazine but we slept on the floor cause we were not allowed on the bed. We got teased all the time at school by our foster siblings and the rest. Our clothing was outdated and often filthy because we were not allowed to wash our clothes in the washer. We had to was it by hand in a bucket, wring it out by hand. In their back yard the grass was as tall as us and in the middle was a swing set that had gotten rusted and ruined almost buried in the grass and that was what we had to hang our laundry on.Not a clothesline or in a dryer. I remember being so scared to walk thru the grass to get to the swing i would run as fast as i could and climb on the swing to hang the laundry. The sick part about all that is "til this day i can still remember the kids at school laughing and teasing me about my clothes because almost all of them had rust stains on them from hanging on the old swing. I dont really know the reason but i remember my sis and i would tell the social worker that checked in on us weekly about what was going on and the abuse and everything. We didnt know any better and didnt think anything of it until i started getting whoopings for things i told the social worker. one day during a weekly check up the social worker brought my mother along with her to see us.We cried and told her everything and i can still remember my mother taking my younger in her arms and holding her while we cried and tattled everything. I was so bitte at that moment. I mean ....here i was getting the abuse and the raw end of shit mostly and my mother was comforting my sis. I do remember mom crying saying she wanted us removed from that home and before you know it...."we were out of that home and into another one. Except, "WE LOVED THIS ONE"! eventually we were returned to our mothers care. Older now as to know what was going on around us.Things eventually started to go back to the way it was....mom working ,not coming home and when she did she was being carried home by bar friends or co-workers cause she would be passed out from drinking. By this time I was old enough to know already that my mother was an alcoholic so was my step dad and they parted too. At this time it was just my mom my baby sis and i living together. my 3 younger brothers were with grandma and gramps. my older brother was out on his own we hardly saw him and my older sis had moved in with her boyfriend and his family who owned a grocery store and were well to do so of course my sister stayed where she would be taken care of and never have to do without. We saw her every now and then. despite everything that we were going thru i made it a point to get my sister and myself off to school everyday. I was in the 8th grade already. My mom would stay away from home for days at a time so i learned to make do without her. She moved us into an apartment that was les than a 1/2 mile away from her job at the bar and yet she still managed not to come home unless she was carried home due to being passed out. My sister and i were often hungry and learned that we could retrieve free food right in our neck of the woods. You see we lived in an industrial area in an apartment that was actually sopposed to be an office. it was attatched by other units that food distributors rented to run their business out of. Behind was restaraunts and little stores and businesses. So we soon learned that they would throw out damaged food items into the dumpsters or expired stuff and we would wait til it got dark and go hit up the dumpsters for food to eat.I mean it wasnt spoiled food already prepared or leftovers or anything like that, it was non opened and a little damaged on the package or expired. To us it was brand new and we were lucky!! One day my mom came home with my older brother and he started living with us again. being bossy as ever but he seemed to be moms best friend all of a sudden. Well living like that for months was getting stale to me. If not for school my sister and i would have starved during the day waiting for the nite to come so we could go hit the dumpster. One nite i woke up to find my brother climbing up into the ceiling of our bathroom and i
knew he would start picking on me if he knew i was awake so i just crept out and watched whatever he was doing. he must have done this same thing for like 4 nites in a row and on the 4th nite he caught me watching him as he came down thru the bathroom ceiling and it was too late for me to turn away. To my surprise he was extra nice to me then i found out why....he had been breaking into the warehouse next door thru the bathroom ceilings.He told me that he kept his valueables up in the ceiling so no one could steal it and gave me some money so i wouldnt tell anyone where his things were. i took it of course to keep my mouth shut.
That was the last time i saw him do his thing with the ceiling. he had left that night and we didnt see him for a couple of days. Of course being that it was back to just me n my sis home alone again, nobody around i decided to go up into the ceiling and see what my brother had been storing up in there. i climbed up and into the ceiling and not more than 3ft away from me was the exact same kind of board on our bathroom ceiling so i lifted it and saw that it led to a bathroom that was back to back with ours. I was only in the 8th grade so Yes i was scared shitless and thought about it for a minute before i climbed down into the neighboring bathroom. when i opened the bathroom door it led right out into a warehouse. a food distribution warehouse! That was the luckiest night of our lives or so i felt like it. No more scrounging in the dumpster at nite and no more starving for us. so everyday when the warehouse was closed and everyone left i was in there getting whatever i could get. For awhile it was just chips and candies. Then after about month or so we had been taking chips and candy to school with us and giving it away to the other kids we had friends all of a sudden! kids like us! So feeling good about that i wanted to impress them even more so i started taking other things besides food from next door. a few dollars here and there turned into more dollars and stereo boom boxes that i was taking to school with us. Needless to say my getting greedy got the attention of the warehouse owner and they called the police. we were never questioned and we dont know if my mother was questioned but i never went thru that ceiling after that but we did have to move out of there soon after that so today i can only assume thats why. Well we moved in with our aunt which was fine by us because at least we had cousins and food daily! Everyday we went to school and after school my aunt picked us up and we went and sold pastries and such downtown at the office buildings went home after and did chores. my aunt would give us money for selling her goodies too. My mom ended up finding another boyfriend and moving in with him but this time she left me at my aunts and only took my sis with her. So for about a year 1/2 my 8th grade and 1/2 ninth grade i was on my own again. got bored with my aunts house and turned rebel and ended up leaving there and staying here and there with school friends that would sneak me into their house after dark and then sneak me out early in the morning and i would wait for them at the bustop and we would get to school. As a child i was the most abused by my family to the point where "i was upset that mom took my sis and not me to live with her and her man but i did not dwell on it but i also didnt feel as bad that i hadnt seen my mom in almost a year and was doing what ever i wanted whenever i wanted! the one thing i never neglected during all those years was school. Like a robot i got up and made it to school daily no matter what. If i didnt have clean clothes to wear i would steal some off other peoples clothes lines
and take slippers from outside their doors whenever i needed a pair.Then a few months into my freshman year i got picked up and taken to juvenile hall stayed there for a bit then got released to moms custody after all that time. So i went to live at her mans house with them. For some reason i always felt like my mother absolutely hated me! Hated me but had no choice to tend to me cuz i was a child!! So once more i left again and stayed around the corner from moms at a freinds. Then at the last minute i was told we are moving to hawaii and i had like 3 days til the flight.Mom did an interview with the local newspaper to raise the money for us all to fly to hawaii. Meanwhile i find out mom is sick and needs cancer treatment that was only available in hawaii. By then he had that iliostomy bag attatched to her side and was unable to walk on her own. She was in a wheelchair by then. So i stayed there and helped while her man went to work and i would do everything for her and i mean everything but chew her food for her! Then she started accusing me of doing things that only a crazy person would believe. One day she told me to wash and cook rice and that was the 1st time i had ever touched rice much less cook it myself. So naturally i went to the kitchen put rice in a pot took it to the sink and washed it exactly as told! But i had put dish soap in the rice to wash it with really good so i didnt get on the bad side of mom or make her think i was stupid and didnt know how to prepare rice.When it finished cooking i made her dinner plate and when she took a bite of the rice she threw the plate up against a wall behind me and started screaming and losing her mind! I'll never forget that day. She yelled at me to wheel her chair out to the porch so she could get some air and i did. I wheeled her right to the top of the stairs. We were living upstairs. after i put her at the top of the steps i stepped in front of her and 2 steps down. I was looking over the rail down into the yard and all of a sudden she screamed and when i turned around to look what happened she was already at the edge of the 1st step. I turned around just in time to catch the front of her wheel chair with my body and push her back so she didnt go down the flight of stairs. when she saw she was safe she started screaming and hollering at me that i was trying to kill her! She called my aunt on the phone and was crying telling her that i'm trying to kill her!! I was devastated!
I couldnt believe she was doing that. I heard her tell my aunt that i tried to kill her in the morning with the rice and soap and that now i had tried to push her down a flight of stairs! Then she brought up an incident that had happened at my aunts when we lived there and "how i had put bleach in a cup and my aunt picked it up off the table and drank it"!!  She tried to convince my aunt that "it was meant for her (my mom) to drink and how that was one of my plots to kill her. I was sure that very day that my mother hated me! She hated my guts and wished i was never born! Thats how i felt. After that I was determined to win her love somehow no matter what it took.So we all moved to hawaii. All of us except for my 3 younger brothers. they stayed in guam with grams and gramps. When we arrived in honolulu we were already set. Moms brother john already had an apartment furnished for us in a complex that he managed. It didnt take too long before my older brother and sister were picking on me again, blaming all that went wrong on me and mom believed them as usual. It was almost like a routine! then 1 day i couldnt take it no more and i barked back and let everything that i held inside for the 10 yrs before that...OUT! Once again mom put me out. Not even in hawaii for enough time to make friends and i was out on the street. When my uncle took me in to their apartment and i started living with them my mother and siblings did everything possible to convince people including my uncles wife that i was trouble and that they should let me be. When that wasnt working my family got even more pissed. It got to the point where my mom and her brother had dramas because he didnt listen to her and throw me out. So of course I felt more like shit again cause they were not speaking.
                                              I have to take a break but i will continue later....

April 2012

Well i finally got this thing up and started. (i think). well here goes anything and everything!
No turning back now....all i need to do is familiarize myself with all the in's and out's and how to do's.
Now that I've come this far i am gonna take a break first before i tackle the next step!